Photo: The beloved Robin Williams | By Stacey Freedenthal, Washington Post | In Stephen “tWitch” Boss’s final Instagram video, a Christmas tree twinkles with white lights as the famous dancer and “Ellen” DJ fluidly bounces to an upbeat song. As he and his wife, Allison Holker, bop to the rhythm, he smiles. He looks happy.
A few days later, on Dec. 13, in a motel room, the 40-year-old father of three died by suicide, according to the Los Angeles coroner.
As a psychotherapist and professor, I understand how jarring it can be when someone who seems happy ends their life. It can make you worry a loved one’s smile is a deceptive mask.
Roughly half of people who die by suicide don’t reveal or hint at their intentions beforehand. Research on people who have experienced suicidal thoughts reveals they might fear the person they confide in will call the police and have them hospitalized. Or they may cherish their privacy, fear burdening people with worry, dread others’ reactions or judgment, or just not want to be stopped from carrying out their suicide plan.
The best way to learn if someone has suicidal thoughts is to ask. I often meet people who are afraid to pose the question. They fear giving someone the idea to die by suicide. But research consistently indicates that asking about suicidal thoughts doesn’t trigger or worsen suicidal thoughts.
No method is guaranteed to coax suicidal thoughts out of someone, and if someone dies after you talk with them about suicide, it doesn’t mean it’s your fault. The reality is, sadly, even if you do everything that experts recommend, suicide can still happen.
With those important caveats, here are some ways to make disclosure more likely.
– Use direct language. Many people use phrases such as “hurt yourself” or “self-harm” as euphemisms for suicide. Self-harm isn’t always suicidal, however, and someone with suicidal thoughts might not view suicide as hurting or harming oneself. By using terms such as “suicide,” “kill yourself,” and “end your life,” you also show that you can handle talking about suicide. It’s not unspeakable.
– Build up to the question. If it makes you more comfortable, start generally and get more specific. You can say, for instance, that you’ve observed the person seems sad or stressed and ask how they’re doing. After listening, you can ask if things get so bad that they wish they weren’t alive, and then after some more listening, you can directly ask about suicidal thoughts.
– Normalize suicidal thoughts. In the United States, 12 million adults a year seriously consider suicide, and so do almost 1 in 5 high school students. By invoking other people, you make clear that thinking of suicide isn’t freakish. An example would be, “A lot of people who are going through what you’re describing feel so bad that they think of suicide. Do you have suicidal thoughts?”
– Avoid negatives. Some people ask, “You’re not thinking of suicide, are you?” or the question’s more judgmental cousin, “You’re not thinking of doing something stupid, are you?” This kind of question broadcasts the answer you’re hoping for, which can inhibit the person.
– Acknowledge jokes, hints and other warning signs. Suicide is such a taboo topic that some people drop hints. It’s a good idea to ask directly about subtle signs. Possibilities include: “You’ve made a number of jokes about killing yourself. Do you have suicidal thoughts?” or “I’ve noticed you haven’t been your usual self lately. Are you feeling depressed?”
Once you ask someone about suicidal thoughts comes the challenge of how to respond. That depends on their answer.
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Stacey Freedenthal is an associate professor of social work at the University of Denver and a psychotherapist in private practice. Her latest book is “Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say and Do.”
Photo: Robin Williams who also committed suicide on August 11, 2014.- when the laughter stopped https://www.facebook.com/RobinWilliams0/
Suicidal Thoughts Are Often Hidden. Here’s How to Talk About It
